350PDX Pipe Dreams: Federal Agencies vie for fastest plan to end fossil fuel projects
As of August 18, 2017, the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission will no longer accept proposals for siting permits of fossil fuel projects. The decision comes two days after 20,000 people drove their cars into downtown Washington DC, filled their gasoline tanks with sugar and slashed their tires, effectively disabling them. The streets surrounding the National Mall and the White House were also blocked by dead cars.
FERC official spokesperson Emiline Grant commented on the decision, “We recognize the urgency of protecting our waters, soils, and climate from fossil fuels. The bold actions of the public this past weekend have moved us to a decision we’ve been stubborn to admit is necessary.” In an exclusive interview with Grant after the announcement, she added, “We will use our time now to begin expiring fossil fuels siting permits that are up for renewal within the next two years.”
The news hit the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) as a surprise, though they responded gracefully to the news. “The IRS didn’t think any of the energy agencies were up to the task of attacking climate change; we thought we were going to beat them to the punch. We have unfinished plans to dissolve the corporate licenses of every business linked predominantly to fossil fuels, but hadn’t yet finished the paperwork. I’m actually very surprised at how fast they pulled this together. I guess we’ll have to hire some of their staff for a few months to even out the playing field,” joked Shay Allenhook, Deputy IRS Commissioner.
Prodded for more details, Allenhook revealed that the companies these pending plans pertain to will be liquidated, with full pensions provided for their workers, and all remaining assets allotted to remediation of the environmental and social damages.
Former CEO’s of the companies, who will lose their pensions and retirement accounts in the corporations’ dissolutions, will be offered the option to earn the federal minimum wage (which will be raised to the liveable wage of $15/hr) to pedal the bike cabs for elderly and disabled in lieu of combustion vehicle transportation.
The 20,000 vehicles abandoned in Washington DC will be pushed to the sides of the street, leaving room for bicycle traffic, and repurposed as tiny homes for the currently houseless.
What’s your ideal climate news? Write out the future you want to see, and submit it to the 350PDX blog as a 350PDX Pipe Dream via Communications [at] 350pdx [dot] org
Written by Maya, Communications Team Co-lead
