350PDX Pipe Dreams: Republicans Realize Their Children Also Live on Earth

Written by Che Lowenstein

September 30, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move, the Republican Party leaders held a joint press conference this morning to announce that they have just realized their children and grandchildren will grow up on the same ruined Earth as everyone else.

Rep. Paul Ryan said, “Since we live our lives every day completely separate from our constituency, we frankly didn’t think about the fact that we ultimately do have to live on the same planet. Throughout history, we, the upper class, have been able to buy our way out of any trouble we encounter, but unless we want to go live in space, we are stuck living on the same planet as everyone else. Therefore, we now believe it is time to take care of the Earth.”

President Pence did not attend, but provided this statement:
“We have made a clear statement with the removal of Scott Pruitt from the EPA last week that we are ready to take Climate Change seriously. We now understand that the consequences of fossil fuel dependency will fall on all humans, not just the poor. We, the privileged, have more to lose and therefore, we are going to fight this with everything we have!”

Details of the Republican plan have not been released, but early indications are that they will cut military spending by 10% to fund a complete overhaul of the energy sector, including a smart grid, 100% renewable energy production nationwide and the purchase of one million carbon dioxide air scrubbers, to be installed in every state.

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Written by: Guest Author